Today I would have been 37 weeks pregnant, starting the countdown of "anytime now". It is very difficult to imagine what it would be like getting ready to have two children. I don't know if I would have been able to do it.
I think about my miscarriage everyday, usually when I am cuddling with my sweet little girl. I wonder if there was anything I could have done, like call my doctor because I was having contractions during the day, or go to the hospital sooner with my cramping. They could have at least stopped the contractions...maybe then my water would not have broken. Oh well, there's nothing I could have done, right?...if it was meant to be, it would happen regardless, right? What's hardest, is that his little heart was still beating strong when they did the ultrasound in the ER.
Will I ever stop feeling guilty? Will I ever want to be pregnant again and not be scared that something will go wrong again?
Amazingly, it actually felt good to write this down. It's not easy keeping stuff bottled up for five months.
Wednesday, April 15, 2009
Warning, this is a bummer posting
Posted by Strong Family at 3:17 PM
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5 comments:
I don't know Sandra. The what if's are way to hard to think about. I just figure their is a bigger plan and somehow that baby was lucky to not have to endure this earth life and all the trials that we face here. I know it is hard to look at it that way when all you want is them here with you. He must of been one of Heavenly Father special childen that he wanted to keep from this world. Anyhow you are a strong women and I admire you. One day you will have him in your arms for now cuddle up to that darling girl because she is a doll!!
Sandra, hard questions. Not sure when and where you will get your comfort but you will. I think a mother's heart is a deep place and its good you share your feelings. Especially because although you are alone in your suffering and thoughts... there are those you have gone through similar experiences and need to know they are not alone.
Funny you should post this today... I just went to a graveside service yesterday for my cousin's stillborn baby. Her name was Adriana and my cousin's wife went in for her 37 week check up and the nurse couldn't find the heartbeat. The night before her mom could feel her moving a ton... but there was a cord accident sometime in the night and it got too twisted about a quarter inch from her belly and cut off all life support. They performed an emergency c-section and she was lifeless/stillborn.
They got to spend 3 days in the hospital holding her and taking lots of pictures. She would have been their 3rd girl and she would have been delivered by c-section yesterday-- but instead they laid her to rest.
It was mentioned at the service that Joseph Smith buried 4 of his first 5 kids while in infancy/miscarriage.... but that mother's will get to raise those children hereafter. Those who don't actually cross the veil still fill the measure of their creation by receiving the body YOU created for them but they were too pure for this life. Come to find out the Church doesn't even do temple work for children who die in infancy because there is no need.
So I guess among all your questions and worries you can feel comfort in the fact that you have your own little angel on the other side. He was part of you for a short time and he still is. Hope you don't let your fear of your "accident" keep you from having more.
Anyway, thanks for your thoughts. This has been on my mind alot lately.
ps- we'll be in Utah in 9 days! :)
pps- check out our blog for a video of little Adriana
Just the fact that you're talking (or writing) about it means that you're on a road to recovery =) I'm sure that in time you will find peace and try again. You never know what will happen, and at least you can take comfort in knowing that eventually in the next life you will be able to meet and spend eternity with that little life =)
I know you don't know me, but I found your blog through my backgrounds site. And my husband said that he knows you (either you or your husband. I can't remember which of you he knows). Anyway, I can totally relate to this post.
Jeff and I have been trying to get pregnant since we got married. That was five years ago this summer. We've tried the fertility routes. I got pregnant once and had a miscarriage. We're currently working on trying to adopt a little boy from an orphanage in Africa. But it's going painfully slow.
As far as the miscarriage goes, you never really forget. I often feel like you posted here. In fact, on April 10th - that was our due date - our baby would have been three years old.
This probably isn't any comfort, but I just wanted you to know that there are those of us who can truly empathize with how you feel and you aren't alone.
Continue to write your thoughts down. I find that it is very therapeutic.
I'm sorry for your loss and may the Lord bless you!
Cristi Bastian
I am sorry, I can't imagine what you are going through... I know you will be blessed though you guys are an a amazing family. It does feel good just to write things down sometimes. My thoughts are with you... We miss seeing you guys outside on our walks :-)
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